My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
You Might Also Like
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
What even happened today?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.