My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
mechanics be like
Worlds greatest photobomb
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh