Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
drew a comic about my origin story
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.