My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
You Might Also Like
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Something Saturday.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one