My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*