My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.