[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
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A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Time heals everything 🙂
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Monday
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms