Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on