@markydoodoo: Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I'm like the human version of that.

@caliluvgirl77: I can't have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

@HeyZeus666: My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.

@KimmyMonte: If Disney has taught us anything it's that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

@AddTequila: Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.