@dogboner: racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.

@jonnysun: ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@KelleysBreakRm: When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

@Jade_VK: I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

@Playing_Dad: [At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.