my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
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Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
5 ways to appear taller
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.