My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m crying im so happy for them
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.