@juneohara65: My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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@stevevsninjas: HIM: I'm having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place? HER: Sure. What's your new job? HIM: Airline pilot.
@Mindless4Miles: Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
@ChrisStokdyk: "PSST." It came from my waffles. "PSST," again. "What?" I ask, furtively. "You look really nice today." Complimentary Breakfast
@markedly: Accidentally said "shh" instead of "slow down" and a kid silently ran into a glass door