@juneohara65: My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Congratulations, "journalists" who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn't know you could get a degree in teenage girl.
@ClichedOut: Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God? Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
@mattZillaaaa: [during a plane crash] Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!