@juneohara65: My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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@Try2StopME: 99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets. It doesn't mean we aim for the sky. It means, we don't start work unless our tail is on fire
@elmulino: I don’t think people outside of England understand that the “it’s coming home” thing was a joke at first because we had no hope but it actually might be coming home and now we don’t know what to do with ourselves
@gaynorlsimpson: Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.
@thetigersez: The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.