my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
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[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Lmao the reply
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace