@Playing_Dad: My cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. Luckily, he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store.
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@LouisPeitzman: This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
@amphy1981: (Showing off new car) Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got? Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
@BriarSlyMalice: I told my kids I'd rather they "pull the plug" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger.
@DominicStraw: *at funeral* Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us. I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.