My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
You Might Also Like
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself