My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Everyone’s family
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.