Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
LOL
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
#SaturdayBears
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…