My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
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What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.