My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
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My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Stop being racist to kettles.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings