@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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@WheelTod: I hate it when you're about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
@davidkenny100: Pal: "on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals" Me: "how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?"