@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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@KalvinMacleod: It's important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
@freypalm: Driver: My God… that weasel… Onlooker: He just went… “pop”… Weasel’s family: *sobbing* Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
@thejamietighe: Coworker: What book you reading there? Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.