@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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@DanTaylorAuthor: Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that's the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers...
@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@Ygrene: Me: I'm nervous about mingling at the party Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to [Party] Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN