@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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@1CleverGirl1: Don't force funny huh? Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and...unless we become fast friends... ...he's losing a knee cap.
@lasergirl70: Forget the fad diets, I'm gonna lose weight the old fashioned way - by not having enough money for food.
@markydoodoo: [eraser factory] BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job? ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself