My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.