@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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@MarkAgee: All this "Kaine is boring" talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
@senderblock23: (commercial for drugs) Man: Nothing is working out in my life VO: Have you tried drugs? Man: (startled) Who said that Narrator: "Drugs"
@VanGobot: waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours