@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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@shellyspivey: "I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
@TheRolo: *UFO attacks* Govt: It's a weather balloon. *UFO destroys Eiffel Tower* Govt: Weather balloon. *UFO conquers Earth* Govt: Weather balloon.
@jackmackenroth: If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.