My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”