my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Its true…
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.