my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
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I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco