My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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I’m so full I could puke a horse
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy