Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”