@TheSchnizzy: Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol. Adds firefighter to resume

@DamienFahey: The Rainforest Cafe isn't realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

@TheBoydP: Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

@lex_looper: CNN just said the world is in $217 Trillion debt. Who the f*©k do we owe money to? The Decepticons???

@dubstep4dads: i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed