My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day