My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??