My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.