I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
You Might Also Like
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house