@hazelmotes1: My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Dear Britain, This Brexit vote is all wrong If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war. Sincerely, America
@ArfMeasures: [Couple saying their vows in church] ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE'S ALREADY MARRIED! EVERYONE *gasps* ME: AND SO IS HE! EVERYONE *gasps* COUPLE: Yeah we're renewing our vows ME *sits down* I did not know that
@AIMMadellynne: The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was: Are U serious?
@Just_Lee_: Don't say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.