My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
😎 🍻
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice