My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
a lot to unpack here
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call