My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.