My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead