My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it