@slaughthie: My coworker was like "I love kids! Can't finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!" And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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@EJGomez: [holding my aunts stupid idiot baby] what sound does a cow make "moo!" good now a dog "woof woof!" 2 for 2. now...WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE
@68Cly29: Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent Is a driver's Ed instructor
@KentWGraham: I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
@Stellacopter: Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with "two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips."