@slaughthie: My coworker was like "I love kids! Can't finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!" And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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@FrankCurtisB: I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That'd be silly.
@_davidlucas_: I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
@TragicAllyHere: [opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside] [me to the fridge] you had one job
@paulablu22: Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn't going to make me type any faster.