@slaughthie: My coworker was like "I love kids! Can't finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!" And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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@Jake_Vig: *opens present HER: What is this? ME: It's The One Ring. I fought orcs for it. HER: They didn't have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
@QwertyJones3: If you're in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
@weinerdog4life: I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot"
@hunz74: 16 Y.O. employee: "There's a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?" Me: "Is there a live baby in it?" Him: "No." Me: "Throw it away."