My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had