@CakeThrottle: My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say 'It's so cold out!' and I say 'It's winter' and then we silently hate each other.
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@RuinMyWeek: If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
@IamEnidColeslaw: Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
@BlindChow: [mailman delivering package to hospital] DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered MAILMAN: please stop saying that
@YoungNobler: They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, "I wouldn't normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card."