My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape