My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…