My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
You Might Also Like
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.