My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Not messing around
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.