“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage