[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Same post same
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home