My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.