@ilovepie84: My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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@envydatropic: You never worry about the size of your doctor's fingers until you need a rectal exam. I know this now.
@iGreenMonk: "Hey. Can I call you back? I'm in a middle of something." "You said that a week ago." "Ya. I'm still working on it."
@jonnysun: "the names bond, james bond" [5 min later] STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
@ilovepie84: I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match