My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.