My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.