My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!