@ahoytheboat: my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
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@jessokfine: I don't wear my apron because I'm never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
@TheTweetOfGod: Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
@bdbdleeroybrown: I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
@just_evolved: When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.