@ahoytheboat: my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@MikeLonghelt: They told me to spread love wherever I go. Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella. You can never win with some people.
@thatUPSdude: Can't figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense! "The green one dad, not the Red one!"
@wendchymes: Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman's hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.