Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
lmao
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine