@ahoytheboat: my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Midgetspar: If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
@TinaraMinus10: A handsome man came up to me today & said "Hi what's your name?" I said "You on Twitter?" He said "No" We're getting married on Monday!
@GoldenSpirals: Coworker sneezed, and said "Oh my. I don't know where that came from." I'm no Scientist, but I'm pretty sure it came from her nose.