@ahoytheboat: my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
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@IvoryGazelle: Mom, here's a picture of my bf, he's a musician "That's just the stock image that comes with the frame" ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8x10 are in love
@TheTweetOfGod: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That's weird, dude.
@LeBearGirdle: *1st dinner date* Me: waiter, can I get the bill- Her: I love sophisticated guys Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the... william?