@ahoytheboat: my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
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@daemonic3: [1st date] So, what's your back story? "I have scoliosis" No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history "Oh! I got scoliosis as a child"
@PretendMaker: *into earpiece during date* Ok now maintain eye contact No not that kind of contact Bro do not touch her eyes Get your eye away from hers
@gurl_sour: Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
@ElleOhHell: UNCLE: Officers weren't even safe from their own men in Vietnam. ME: I've just decided it's too hard to zoom in on any more dogs' noses.