@ahoytheboat: my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
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@JAdomian: Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but "what if the Nazis didn't care about fitness?" comes close.
@NoTheOtherJohn: [God is taking a nap] Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
@michaelianblack: Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.
@FattMernandez: Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.