@ahoytheboat: my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
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@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
@kylekinane: Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we'd still be talking about how we're not finding that airplane.
@NeinQuarterly: The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."
@Douchekevin: I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day. I'm adding 'enjoys eating out' to my dating profile.