my fav colour is also hitler
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Just parrot things
It do be feeling this way.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE