What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I occasionally drink every single night.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story